The Cupholder Cocoon

An Open Letter to the 1 Out Of 8 Americans Who Drive SUVs



So I have a question for ya: Why exactly do you need a car this big? See, I know the usual lines but I'm not really buying 'em. Like "I need an SUV to take the kids to soccer practice." OK, you've got kids. But really, you're not Apu and Manjula with the octuplets. I'm betting your brood will fit just fine in an Accord.



And why do you need a car that can climb boulders and traverse lakes? I doubt little Joey is playing sweeper up in the Rockies (unless he's starring in a bad Coors Light commercial). My sneaking suspicion is your car only goes off-road when the valet guy at Sushi Samba does a shitty job parallel parking it.



Then there's the 'ol safety excuse: "I feel safer sitting up high in my SUV." Actually, you're not safer at all up there. See, the laws of gravity mean that your skyscraper of a truck is way more likely to tip than a normal car. And that's why SUVs rollover more than epileptic Chihuahuas. Sure, you might feel safer but that's just because you get to look down on and dominate those around you in a magnifying-glass/ants kinda way.



Now I know you don't want to admit it but the real reason you need this huge car is because you've got psychological issues. You can't go back into the womb so you're trying to build a cocoon of cupholders and steel. (And what is with all the goddamn cupholders? Taking a roadtrip with Bukowski and Hunter Thompson or something?)



The people who sell you these pacifiers-on-wheels know all about it. Auto industry studies show that people who buy SUVs are abnormally insecure, vain, self-centered, self-absorbed, nervous about their marriages, and unconfident in their own driving skills. Unfortunately these researchers didn't actually pull out a ruler and measure penis size because I think we both know what we'd find there. It's no coincidence that these trucks have names like the GMC Jimmy or the Hummer, now is it? Next year's hot new model: the 2006 Big Cock.



If ya truly want to be safe then here's the secret: Don't get into a fucking accident in the first place. You're not gonna like this but the best way to do that is to drive a smaller car. The Toyota Camry, the Honda Accord, and the Volkswagen Jetta are actually the safest cars on the road. People who drive a Jetta die at only half the rate of people who drive SUVs. Why? Because they can actually get out of the way! But getting out of the way isn't your specialty, is it?



So why is any of this my business? Well, if you SUV drivers were just killing yourselves off that'd be fine. But the problem here is that you're fucking things up for the rest of us. See, our country is addicted to oil and it's because of people like you. A Hummer gets 13 miles per gallon. That's an even more inefficient performance than Neil O'Donnell in Super Bowl XXX.



Our country has less than 5% of the world's population but thanks to you guys we gobble up 20% of the oil. Now you'd think with all this trouble in the Middle East, maybe it would occur to the people in this country to drive smaller cars or, God forbid, walk somewhere. But no. Like any junkie, we blame other people for our problems and do whatever it takes to keep that fix coming. Gotta go fight a war -- keep that fix coming. Gotta chew up Alaska -- keep that fix coming. Gotta look the other way while our "friends" in the Saudi Arabian government finance fundamentalist-breeding madrassas -- keep that fix coming. On the Junkie Alert System we're somewhere between Rick James on any night in 1981 and Ewan McGregor in Trainspotting during the plunge-into-a-toilet-full-of-shit scene.



And to top it all off, you even get a tax break for this addiction! Buy a vehicle over 6,000 pounds and Congress gives you a tax break of up to $25,000. Why are we stopping here? Let's have the government finance other addictions too. "Smoked 201 vials of crack last year?" "Congratulations, you just made the cutoff! Here's your check."



I hope it's all worth it for ya. Happy trails.



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12/16/2004 | Permalink Permalink |

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